


You are my Sanity

by OrangeTeaMoon



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Ichigo is not dead, M/M, POV Urahara Kisuke, Pre-Relationship, Sometimes Kisuke is stupid, assumed loss of sanity, assumed major character death, but he fixes it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeTeaMoon/pseuds/OrangeTeaMoon
Summary: And so, it had taken Urahara Kisuke nearly 4 months, 1 week, 3 days and a direct run-in with an absolutely impossible apparition of Kurosaki Ichigo to realize that he had lost his mind.
Relationships: Kurosaki Ichigo & Urahara Kisuke, Kurosaki Ichigo/Urahara Kisuke
Comments: 10
Kudos: 228
Collections: UraIchi Prompt Challenge #4





	You are my Sanity

**Author's Note:**

> Late, way too long, and some parts do not make sense.  
> Please enjoy anyway!  
> And please feel free to pint out any mistakes, and fromatting problems, I still don't understand half of the features on here.

There had been plans. In between the happenings of the Visord’s hollowfication and the arrival of Ichigo Kurosaki at the final confrontation in fake Karakura Town, there had been several thousands of plans made and discarded, remade and adjusted and readjusted.

Kisuke had spent hours upon hours training the boy, making sure that he would be ready to fight Aizen, and by the end, training the kid to survive the confrontation. He had hoped that the substitute would never know that he had not originally been supposed to survive, that the mentor he had trusted (for some reason, heaven knows Kisuke had never given him any), had never had his best interest at heart, never even considered his life valuable apart from its potential power. Kisuke had redone most of his plans to guarantee his student’s survival, and spent much more time training him than he could technically afford, and the guilt had lessened.  
But now, as he leapt towards the fading form of his student, as he watched him literally fade out of existence, he feared that it may have been in vain. That despite all his trying, the boy would still die. He had still sent him to his death.  
All that the scientist managed was to stumble through the barely visible Kurosaki, too late, too weak, too stupid to do any more than look at the fading figure in front of him. He was close enough to see the panic in the boy’s eyes, the sudden despair when he felt himself disappearing, sense the acceptance of his oncoming death, and all he could do was watch. Till the redhead had faded completely, and the ‘I need to save him’ became ‘I have failed again’.  
And then came the denial. ‘This isn’t happening. He will pull through, like always. I’ll figure it out. It’s still salvageable. I won’t lose him. He _trusts_ me. This time I cannot fail.’ But fail he did.

  
Weeks later, even Kisuke had to admit defeat. Turned out that even Isshin had only had a basic idea of how the final technique that they had counted on worked, and the man didn’t want to risk something happening to him while the twins still needed him, so studying the technique was out. Apart from that, there was also the hybrid factor to take into consideration. There was no way to know how being a mix of spiritual races had affected the family technique, or if still being alive had somehow caused the shattering of his soul. But that didn’t matter anyway.  
Whatever happened to the substitute soul reaper, it was final.

* * *

It had taken the genius much too long to notice the red-haired figure that he kept seeing. The man was never directly in the blonde’s line of sight, nor had he ever done anything that made him worth focusing on, so the former assassin had never consciously noticed the other. There had been more important things that had needed priority in his brain power, and nothing about the figure had ever stood out, not even it not standing out. It was never too close to anyone important, it never showed any intent to harm, and just seemed content staying in the background. So, Kisuke’s rather well trained brain had filtered it out as unimportant, and not in any need of conscious attention. Between the rebuilding, healing and various other things going on in the aftermath of the winter war, the strange, but harmless stranger simply hadn’t been on the blonde’s radar. And so, it had taken Urahara Kisuke nearly 4 months, 1 week, 3 days and a direct run-in with an absolutely impossible apparition of Kurosaki Ichigo to realize that he had lost his mind.

* * *

  
Kisuke was exhausted. The past couple of days had been more stressing than the whole past century, including Aizen and the battle perpetrations, as well as the direct aftermath and reconstruction. At least, those things were interesting and didn’t demand carefully worded flattering and constant guarding of his expressions in the face of mind numbingly boring people. And so the scientist decided that he had earned himself the relaxation of locking himself in his labs and just tinkering with stuff. This wasn’t something done lightly, after all, despite having everyone convinced that he couldn’t take care of himself. He knew to take food and tea downstairs for his lab vacations, he thought to himself, pouting softly.  
Yawning, Kisuke went for the sweets cupboard in the kitchen, mentally counting how much he could take of the various chocolates when he felt a judgmental stare in his back. “I promise I’ll buy twice as many as I’ve taken, so please don’t tell Tessai-kun?” The rather pathetic pout had not failed to get him what he wanted from Ururu yet, and so he was assured of his victory over his little assistant before he had even finished turning. “I promise, okaaay?”

  
“For someone muttering about how well you can take care of yourself, you’re pretty confident about taking so many sweets. I do believe that bribing and hoarding enough chocolate to feed an army is not actually called taking care of oneself.” There was a pause, almost like the speaker was waiting for an answer, but Kisuke couldn’t focus on what was said. His eyes couldn’t help but take in every detail of the man in front of him. The brilliant orange hair, longer than he had ever seen it before, curling at slender neck and falling onto wide shoulders. A deep blue shirt and casual black jeans. “Kurosaki-kun….” Kisuke’s voice failed him. He had no idea what was going on, but there was definitely his dead student sitting at his kitchen table. Or something that was very good at imitating him, which was a bit more likely.  
“You can see me?” At least the thing sounded as bad as he did. It raised its hands, and Kisuke reacted on instinct, driving a fist straight into the figure’s face. “Oh.” His hand had actually gone through the fake’s face. “Oh? What do you mean ‘Oh?’ That would have hurt!” It was holding its nose like it had felt the hit. “Okay, this is no problem, just you imagination acting up, ignore it and it will go away.” Now that he thought about it, there was something strange about that sake yesterday. Someone must have slipped drugs in. Interesting, he hadn’t known drugs with a hallucinogenic could be delayed like that. Maybe he could get a sample of it?  
“I’m not a hallucination!” the hallucination exclaimed. “That’s at all something a hallucination would say.” He said sarcastically. It really was just like him, in mannerisms and voice pitch as well as looks. The familiar scowl on its brow was comforting, in a way. He had never expected to see it again, and the little Kurosaki-chan’s frown was no where near as endearing on her as it had been on her brother.  
“And how would you have known what I was thinking if you weren’t a part of my mind?” A pause. Now that it was standing he could see that the feet didn’t touch the ground. It was floating. “You were muttering about it, IDIOT!” It screamed and flushed. “I don’t think anyone knows what goes on in that head of yours, anyway!” That might be true, but still, “That’s not proof that you’re real.”  
“Of course the one person that can see me decides that I’m not real. Really, especially from you I expected better, you know, Genta-Boshi? Where’s your scientific spirit?” Not-Kurosaki took a step forward through the table, and leaned forward. “But then again, I didn’t expect anyone to see me. Like ever again, so I guess this is a step up..” The kid looked to his right. “Well, looks like I’ll see you later. If this wasn’t a one off.” With that it just disappeared.

“Ahh, Yoruichi-san, I was wondering, just what was slipped into the sake at that last party?” A black cat lazily looked over to him. “Nothing. Why, did something happen?” “Ahh, nothing really, just the light playing some tricks then.” The cat’s gaze sharpened, but didn’t seem to find anything wrong with the answer, so the blonde was spared a thorough investigation in favor of the cooking show that Yoruichi was watching with Tessai and the kids. If he was lucky she’d forget the question completely. And if he was really lucky his glass had been dosed with something, and he was not losing his mind.

* * *

  
“Kisuke, backroom, now!” The man in question sighed as he put down the chart he was making. His thoughts ran through the last hours. What could have happened in that time to recall him from his lab? He’d done the necessary work, and there shouldn’t be any emergencies, one of his sensors would have warned him. So what was going on?  
He didn’t expect to see his hallucination standing outside the door with Yoruichi, looking more scared than he had ever seen the real Kurosaki look. “Karin has gotten badly hurt trying to manifest her Zanpakuto, I’ve put her in the back room for now, but I need you there now.”  
The blond didn’t need to hear more, he was already using shunpo to get upstairs. Yoruichi wouldn’t have gotten him for a minor injury, so he had to act quickly. Until Tessai got back from shopping, he was the only one that could heal here. The hallucination was already there quietly speaking to the young girl when Kisuke got to her. Her right arm was twisted in so many different directions that he wasn’t even sure how it was still holding together. Every here and there a bone had broken skin, blood was flowing from the hand like a river. The girl was still somehow conscious, and he gave her a gentle smile, before knocking her out and turning back to his friend. “Go get Tessai while I stabilize her!”  
The woman was gone before he had even finished speaking. “Don’t you worry Kurosaki-chan, everything will be just fine. You’ll be right as rain in a minute, I promise.” With that he got to the healing part. Starting with the bone, he set them back in place as well as he could, keeping the big parts straight and using his reiatsu to puzzle the smaller pieces together. “If you need blood for her you’ll have to sent for Goat-Face, he’s visiting someone over in Seretei right now, Yuzu has another blood type. Or you can use mine if you still have any.”  
“Ururu! Get me all the blood samples labeled HK15 now!” The girl who had been standing at the door, trying to not be in the way ran off immediately. Later Kisuke would ask himself what made him trust in what the apparition said, but in that moment he just reacted. “Of course you have my blood on hand. Is she gonna be okay?” The scientist didn’t answer. “It’s just the arm right? If she gets enough blood she’ll be fine, right?” Kisuke ignored the hallucination’s fretting, instead focusing on keeping the bones in the girls arm together. It wasn’t until he felt Tessai’s reiatsu taking over the healing process that he relaxed and looked over to where it stood.

  
It looked at the girl with real concern and true familial love. ‘If there’s any chance it’s him… I need to figure this out. Just in case that that is Kurosaki-kun, I need to try. He deserves that much. And it’s not like I have a lot to do. It’ll be interesting at least.’  
Once the decision was made, Kisuke started getting ready. He had observations to analyze, questions to prepare, theories to set up. If he was going to commit to this insanity of figuring out Kurosaki-kun’s situation, then he would do it with nothing less than his full attention and ability.

* * *

  
Of course, once he had decided this, there suddenly wasn’t any sign of the (maybe) Kurosaki. The scientist spent a whole two weeks trying to find him, but he apparently wasn’t around. Neither of the Kurosaki twins had a ghostly companion, nor did the young Kuchiki when she came to visit them. Kisuke was almost ready to accept that he had imagined the other after all, that there was no chance that the strange apparition had been anything more than his mind playing tricks on him, when Isshin showed up, with the figure in question floating in behind him. While the former captain himself looked fine, the same could not be said for the invisible younger man. There were scratches on his face and hands, and a bruise blooming on his left cheek. Kisuke’s mind went into overdrive. Why was he injured? Could he touch things after all? Or could he be touched? Were there others like him? Was that where the bruise came from? Or was he on a time limit for physical touch? How could he best get rid of Isshin quickly, so that he could get answers out of the redhead?

“Hey Kisuke, Karin I need one of those soul candy that you have. And please, not a defect one for my little girl! She can't handle a perv in her body.” The soul reaper pause for a second, before realizing what he had said. And then beginning to fail and shout about how he didn’t mean it in such a way, and how he would protect his little girl form all the boys, who are just perverts anyway.

The blond raised his paper fan up to his face to conceal a grin. The Shiba really had a talent for playing the fool, and a part of it, he was sure, wasn't even playing at all. "Calm down Isshin-san, the girls can defend themselves, and know better than to date just anyone.” Despite the teasing tone, Kisuke hasn't taken his eyes off of the Place Behind the man. “But if you're worried about the quality of the candy, you are of course free to inspect them all, just to be sure. Ururu can take you to the back.”

Kisuke watched the man stomp away after his assistant. “Now, what exactly happened to you, Kurosaki-kun?”  
“What, so now you're talking to me?” The question was somewhat unexpected, as was the rough tone. “I'm still testing if you're real or not. I've decided to assume that you are real, and that therefore I can help you. If nothing comes of it, I'll know that you aren’t, and I’ll have to deal with the consequences of seeing a dead person around.”  
“That seems like an unnecessarily complex way to find out if I’m real.” The brown eyes focused on him for a while, before the teen shifted uncomfortably. “Actually, it's the only way to approach this matter. Think about it, if I start off with the assumption that I'm insane, my own input will become untrustworthy, and I'll have no way to prove that the opposite is true.”  
“I'm not even sure if that makes sense, or if you're pretending that it makes sense to confuse me.” Kisuke pouted, he didn't deserve that much suspicion from his old student.  
“Maa, let's go to the lab, before someone finds me talking to myself here.”  
Kurosaki-kun snorted, “Are you telling me it would be the first time someone would have seen you acting like a loon?”  
Kisuke kept pouting the whole way down to the lab. He was a respectable figure, and did not deserve his former student’s teasing.  
Honestly, the scientist was giddy. It has been a long time since he had such an interesting problem to study, and with this one, chances of it going wrong were fairly small. Ever since the creation of the Visord, Kisuke had kept himself away from experiments that could be used for immoral purposes. This however limited him immensely, and many interesting projects have been pushed to the back of his head. He would be the first to admit that he was driven mostly by his own interests, but once he had seen the way that his research could be used, he had lost the motivation to continue exploring many areas.  
This new mystery what's the most (positively) exciting thing he had encountered in the last decade. With the way his mind was racing making and discarding theories, thinking up new experiments to test them, he was getting excited.  
“Well this is disappointing. It looks more like a chemistry classroom mad scientist’s lab.” Kisuke turned around to face the young male. “What did you think of mad scientist lab did look like?” He chuckled. “A bit more gloomy, with more body parts thrown around? Or maybe” Kisuke made an exaggerated thinking face, “You're missing the cages with the living samples? Don’t worry, I put them away for your visit.” The disturbed look he got in return made him laugh loudly. That would teach the boy to tease him.  
“What now anyway? What kind of tests can you do when no one else sees or hears me, and I can’t touch anything?”  
“First, I need to know everything you can tell me about your situation, and then I’ll start thinking of ways to figure out what’s going on. I’m really curious about how you got injured if nothing can touch you.” The blond leaned back and got ready to listen.

* * *

  
Later that night Kisuke went through what Kurosaki-kun had told him. He could appear as long as he had enough mental energy to keep imagining himself as a solid being, which he wasn’t in the ‘other place’, where he was stuck when he wasn’t ghosting around in the normal world. He could go to soul society without a problem, so he wasn’t bound to the living world like a plus. The ‘other place’ was functionally different from anything he could compare it to. Kurosaki had said that it was like being somewhere, but not, that he had no real body, but he was a mass of energy that scattered around, and had to hold itself together with thought only. There were creatures there, but the other hadn’t been able to describe them, because they were like him, without a body, mental constructs that shifted and scattered, never still enough to feel completely. Waves of another energy would come and go, and depending on their strength, could blow him apart. He would then think himself back together, sometimes more, sometimes less than he had been before being blown apart. The 'less' showed up as injuries when he manifested here, away from the 'other place'.  
The conclusion that the scientist had come to was this: Somehow the final Getsuga Tensho had trapped Kurosaki-kun in another dimension. A dimension whose basic principles were so completely different from this one, that it was pure luck that the kid hadn’t been killed (or whatever happened over there) on arrival.  
He needed to somehow find a certain dimension, and then loosen the walls between them enough to get Kurosaki-kun back through, and only him. He needed to built a senkaimon to an unknown dimension. This was going to be a piece of work, but if it worked… Then he could fix it. He could bring Kurosaki-kun back.

* * *

  
“So, what’s this?”  
All of Kisuke’s training couldn’t stop him from flinching. A gentle chuckle came from a place directly by his ear, causing a shiver. “Please don’t do this when I’m experimenting! I could have blown up the entire shop, you know?” The scientist pouted, a softly teasing tone in his voice. “Something tells me that this wouldn’t be the first time that happened.” The red head answered, mirth still audible in his voice. “And besides, I swear you’ve carried those fancy lights around town before for measuring dimension depth, so they’re probably not going to explode now of all times.” The blond nearly startled again. “You were actually paying attention to that?” He asked incredulously. The other just took a step back, and gave him the ‘are you stupid or do you think I am?’ look that the blond somehow kept earning from everyone he knew, for no reason at all! “I might not be a genius, or even really smart, but I do pay attention to what I can understand of your experiments. They are kind of interesting, and you are so excited by them. It would be kind cruel not to at least try to pay attention, you know?” Kisuke wasn’t sure what to say to that. This sort of casual kindness must be what drew people to the abrasive teenager. The kind of kindness Kisuke lacked on every level.

“Who would you be rater stuck with?” Kisuke couldn’t stop himself from asking. He was certain he didn’t actually want to hear the answer. The specter turned from the experiment that he had been eyeing to the blond. “What do you mean?” Kisuke paused for a moment. “Assuming that you are actually real,” Kisuke ignored the eye roll, “you probably would prefer if someone else could interact with you..?”  
“Nah, not really.” the (probably hallucination) replied. “No..?” “Of course not. For one, you’re good company. You’re smart and fun and you’re talking to me despite the fact that I need everything you say explained to me at least twice. Also, if anyone can figure out if I am actually stuck in like a parallel dimension or something, or if I’ve actually just become a self-aware figment of your imagination, it’s you.”  
“That’s a lot of trust to put into the person that killed you, Kurosaki-kun.”  
“Are we really back to this, Genta-Boshi? Really, I thought we had grown that much closer.” The ghostly figure said while cutely folding his hands over his heart to symbolize hurt. That got a snort out of Kisuke, the student he taught wouldn’t have been caught dead acting like this. “You know, you’re not doing a good job of being Kurosaki-kun at the moment.” Kisuke had to suppress a shiver at the rough laugh his comment got out of the other. “Because you know so well what Kurosaki Ichigo acts like.” The blond let his face fall into the well-practiced ‘creepy mad scientist grin’. “I have only been watching you your entire life, there’s really not much I don’t know.” The cocky grin that appeared on the red head was much more In line with what he thought the original Kurosaki would act like. “And yet you managed to miss some real basics, didn’t you?” Kisuke dropped the persona, now observing the younger man like he would an opponent, or an experiment. “Like what?”  
Kurosaki gave him a little smirk, but he noticed that it had a self deprecating tilt to it, one that the blond recognized. He had, after all, worn that expression often enough himself, especially in the last century, and the past couple of months. “Like that I would try to understand a friend’s passion, especially when they’re helping me out with it.”  
“Kurosaki-kun, I didn’t mean to-“  
“You could call me by my name by now, we’ve spent enough time together. And with so many Kurosakis here, we’ll all get confused otherwise.”  
“I would be honored to learn more about those basics, if you’ll allow, Ichigo.”  
The genuine smile that Ichigo had sent him was worth it. He could use another friend anyway.

* * *

“I just have to sit here, while that thing measures dimesional energy?” Ichigo asked. “Yes. Try not to move too much.” Kisuke had already scanned himself, so that he could compare the data that the device would gather from the other man with his own, and he had managed to scan Yoruichi while she was napping, so that he had a control set. There had to be a reason that only he could interact with Ichigo, so there would have to be an expiation for why in that was in the data set.

  
“You could at least have something for me to do while I sit around here.” The younger man had been whining about it since Kisuke explained the experiment to him. “Young people, you don’t have any patience. Besides, what do you want to do? You basically don’t exist right now.” Ichigo rolled his eyes. “Because you’re so old, right? Like, get me a book. You can turn the pages for me.” “I am that old. I’ve got more than two centuries on you, brat.” Not that two centuries was that much by Shinigami standards, but the brat didn’t need to know that. The redhead just scoffed before placing himself before the sensor. “Can you get me a book or not?”  
“I’ve got astrophysics, advanced chemistry and biochemistry, and some engineering ones, take your pick.”  
“Give me the fancy space one. You’ll have to answer my questions though.” Kisuke complied, while wondering how long the theory about wormholes would hold the attention of the young man.  
To the scientist’s surprise, Ichigo had seemingly lost himself in the magazine, only speaking up when he needed an explanation or a page turned. After Kisuke had explained the fundamental words and equations used in the articles, the questions had become more like insightful comments, before that too tampered off, with Ichigo concentrating on the ideas described and Kisuke devoting his full attention to the sensor’s recordings.

  
“I didn’t know that these formulas were actually useful for something.” The blond looked at him, amused. “Why did you think that your school made you learn these?” Ichigo looked thoughtful. “I don’t know? But they could have said that they are useful for stuff like this instead of making us learn them without any kind of context to them. They’re much easier to understand now.”  
“Only you would think that knowing the university level explanations and deductions makes the high school physics easier to understand.” Kisuke observed the orange haired man as he was floating above Kisuke’s couch. “When you go back to school, feel free to come to me with science questions. I might be able to help if that’s the way your mind works.” It was, after all, a pretty close match to his own. “Between training and tutoring, you’ll get sick of me really quickly.” Ichigo said. Kisuke smiled. “You are the one that will get sick of me. Besides, you’re not stupid, you’ll be caught up in no time.” The sensor peeped, and Kisuke waved to Ichigo to let him know that the readings were done. He could see him floating over to him out of the corner of his eye, but ignored him in favor of comparing the whole chain of numbers with his own. “Do you love teaching that much, or why am I only welcome in those scenarios?” The specter mused, making the older man roll his eyes. “Come over any time, and bring your own entertainment, if you really want.”  
“I’ll hold you to that.” Kisuke didn’t like he sly smirk that would have been wouldn’t have been out of place on himself on his student’s lips. He wouldn’t let his eyes linger on those lips any longer than necessary, no need to invite more complicated thoughts into his life. Besides, Ichigo’s existence was still in question, even if the scientist was getting more confident in his existence ever day.  
For now, he was busy with the analysis, any other worrying could wait until the specters time in this dimension was over for the day.

* * *

  
They were ready. The set up if his newly built machine was simple, but what it was supposed to do was anything but. It would open a controlled rift between two dimensions, using reitsu as a way to bridge the gap between here and the place that Ichigo was stuck in. He would have to tune into the ‘frequency’ of the dimension manually, basically going through all the ones within his reach until he found one that matched the readings he had gotten from Ichigo and himself.  
Ichigo should then be able to step through. Kisuke ignored the nagging doubt that still attacked him every now and then. ‘He isn’t real. You’ve just gone insane. The kid you trained has never been this way, this is just your guilt playing you for a fool.’ Well, Kisuke couldn’t deny that his hope for success, for Ichigo to step through and be here, be real and safe, was probably foolish beyond belief. But still, he had dealt with more impossible odds. If there was anyone that could survive a surprise field trip to another dimension, it would be that stupidly determined and adaptable man. The kind that had gone to war for others, beaten all the impossible obstacles, and won. So just this once, Kisuke let himself hope.

  
They had prepared this as well as possible.  
If this worked, the Kurosaki family would be complete again. And all of the boy’s friends would be overjoyed to see him again. If this worked, he would have to confess to what he had done. He was sure, that if this worked, he would never see Ichigo again. Not on the training ground, not in his lab, and not around the house. There would be no more discussing the newest developments in astrophysics, which had captivated the boy’s attention, there wouldn’t be him listening to Kisuke ramble on about his experiments, and he would never hear someone argue about how much you can learn from Shakespeare’s plays again.  
Because he was done being a coward, and when Ichigo came back, he would tell him everything. Because Ichigo deserved to know everything that he had done to him. Because he couldn’t let the other think of him as someone he could trust without knowing all of what he was capable of.  
He would lose someone who had become a dear friend, and he had only himself and his cruel plans to blame.  
Not to mention how he had started feeling more than just friendship lately. How could he not? Ichigo was so open, so kind and strong. Calling him of all people his friend, ready to open up to the old creepy lab guy, how was he even real? (Maybe he isn’t real at all.)

  
For just a second the scientist considered not starting the machine. He could say it didn’t work, and Ichigo would believe him. They could keep this. This status quo they had, they could continue like that. Shinigami had long lives, he could always bring Ichigo back later. Keep this for a while longer.  
But then his sisters won’t see him, and he will not be able to hug them again, as he told him would be the first thing he would do. He won’t get to try that tea that he is so curious about, and he won’t finish high school and go research the stars that caught his interest. He won’t be able to talk to his friends. Kisuke couldn’t blind himself to the pure longing he could see in the specter, the wish to turn the pages himself, to taste and touch and let his family know that he was there. And how could Kisuke call himself his friend if he took that opportunity away from him? He couldn’t, and that was not acceptable. He was Ichigo’s friend, and he would act like it, by getting him back. Even if that meant loosing him.  
With a determined sigh Kisuke put his hand on the switch that would activate the bridge, and waited for his countdown to reach zero. He flicked the switch.

  
It felt like the lab had turned 260 degrees to the right while twisting itself through the middle. There was so much power in the air, not reitsu, but similar enough in nature to press him into what he was pretty sure was a table rather than a wall. The portal would need a couple of seconds to open fully, and then he needed to get the stabilizer up to buy Ichigo enough time to get through. He fought his way through the lab, with well timed shunpo, trying to ignore the way his mind was attempting to understand the new layout of the room. He flinched when he missed the machine by just a meter, and the strange gravity pulled him towards a window. With a rough shunpo that felt way too fast he put himself close enough to press the stabilizer button.  
The amount of power that leaked from the other dimension was terrifying, and the amount of effect it had on the room made Kisuke wonder if the rest of the shop was okay. He then noticed that most of the damage was limited to the items in the room, for all that it felt like the room had turned, it seemed like it had been him that had his sense gravity shifted, rather than the structure itself. He would check if anything needed repairing later.  
For now all the blond could focus on was the portal. It was wobbly, and looked like it would cave in any second, but Ichigo should be through soon. Because there was no way that the portal could stay open for more than a minute, before the dimensions could start melting together it had to be shut down. Ichigo knew the timing, he should be through already.  
When Kisuke finally caught a glimpse of orange, it wasn’t in the way he had hoped. Ichigo had appeared in front of him in his ghostly form, tense like a rubber band about to snap. “You have to turn it off.” He said. Kisuke did.  
The room stopped doing its crazy imitation of Hirako’s shikai immediately. Broken vials and other things cluttered to the ground, but Kisuke was not capable of paying it any attention at the moment. He felt like he had been drained out of his body, and now an empty shell was all that was left.

  
“I guess that proves my assumption wrong.” Did his voice sound as dead as he felt? “What? No, Kisuke listen. I couldn’t get far enough through! I lack the power to get through the portal all the way. But I think I’ve got it! If I can absorb the waves the same way the monsters do it, I think I can get through. Absorbing the waves would make sense, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before-“ Kisuke cuts him off. “You didn’t think of it because I didn’t think of it. It makes sense, considering that you are not real.” Was he shaking? He couldn’t tell. The hallucination looked hurt, but Kisuke couldn’t care. He shouldn’t have activated the machine. He wouldn’t know then, and he could have been happy. It wouldn’t have been the right decision, but he could have kept it, he had treasured the company, reveled in not being alone in his passions and interests. Only, that he had been alone.  
“It was hard, even for me. The weight of all that guilt. I should have known that it would drive me insane. I’m not even surprised.”  
“What are you talking about, Kisuke?”  
“Kurosaki-kun was never meant to live. I knew I was setting him up to die, and I did it anyway. I decided that defeating Aizen was more important than his life. I killed him, hollowfied him, and sent him off to die again.” Tears were falling from his eyes. How could he have thought that he could have something like this? That a person like Kurosaki could be his friend? He was delusional. “They were my decisions, and I deserve to bear that weight. This consolation or whatever this is that my mind made you up for? It’s not necessary.” But he had liked it. Maybe losing him all over again this way was a fitting punishment for his crimes.  
“That’s.. that’s bullshit Kisuke, and you know it! You wouldn’t have gotten all those numbers from the sensors of I wasn’t real! And stop making yourself the bad guy! Do you think I’m that stupid? That you guided me blindly for the past year? I knew, and I made those decisions for myself! Are you even listening to me, you dumbass?!”  
“Did you think that hollow attacked your place on accident? I put it there!” Kisuke was nearly sobbing now. Putting it all out into the world hurt worse than he could have imagined. Why was it like this? “I made sure that it would injure Kuchiki-san, so that she would have no choice but to involve you, I put that idea into her head myself. I ruined his life, and then I killed him. How stupid to believe even for a second that the brilliant boy I killed could tolerate being around me.” How could he have been so stupid? Stupid enough to fall for a trick of his mind, to begin falling for an imaginary friend?  
“Kisuke…”  
“Please leave. I know my mistakes, and I won’t repeat them. This guilt is mine to carry, and I shall not forget it again.”

“For what its worth: I forgive you. For all the things you did, and all the ones you are blaming yourself for. I don’t blame you. I can’t blame you, because I know. I know that even if you don’t believe it, you are a good man. I know you tried your best. I have seen you pull off the impossible, and I have seen your kindness.”  
“Kindness? Where could you have found kindness in me?” Kisuke was laughing, he could feel it, but his ears only registered a rough sound, that couldn’t have come from a human at all.  
“In the way you treat Ururu and Jinta, like your children. In the way you look after my friends, even though the fighting is over. In the way you give your all to help anyone you can. In the way you were ready to sacrifice your time to help me. You are a good man Kisuke. Let go of the guilt. I forgive you.”  
“You’re perfect. That’s it. Everything I never knew I could have, everything I have never wanted, I never imagined I could have. There’s no problem with you. You’re perfect, everything about you is. It’s just, you’re not really here. Your only flaw is that you’re not real. That’s all.”  
“I’m sorry. If I had known that I was hurting you, I wouldn’t have stayed around.” Not-Ichigo smiled sadly, then blushed. “Stop crying already, it doesn’t suit you at all! And thank you. For taking care of everyone.” Kisuke watched as the other faded away once more. This time he wasn’t trying to catch him. He just let him fade.  
In the empty, broken lab he cried. Then he stood and left. It was about time that he started his shift upstairs.

* * *

  
The last two months had been fine. Kisuke had managed to keep himself busy by training Ichigo’s friends, training with Yoruichi, spending more time with the children, and successfully avoiding the lab. Of course the other inhabitants of the shop noticed his uncharacteristic behavior, but so far none had confronted him about it. He wasn’t sure he could explain what happened anyway. ‘I’m sorry, I have temporarily gone insane, but its all better now?’ might not go over well with any of them.  
Sometimes Kisuke wondered just how much the illusion had been like the original. Had be been as easy to like? It was hard not liking someone who believed in you in an way that only someone so passionate could. Had be been as passionate? As happy to learn? As eager to support? To help? The basics had been the same, the kindness, the same determination, an explosive temper. But the rest? Would the young man have been as captivated by the stars as his brain thought he could have been? He knew that it wasn’t healthy, but he missed it. He missed his friend.

  
Surprisingly, when the confrontation came it wasn’t form one of his friends, but from Inoue. Even though she was rarely around, she had always reminded him of Kurosaki-kun in a way. They had the same kind of gentle compassion for basically anyone, and could foe to friend with it. It was the reason that he thought they would end up together, they were similar in nature. And Inoue’s little crush had been very cute.  
She had approached him one afternoon, after her training with Yoruichi. It had caught him off guard, as he was aware of her dislike of him, so he was surprised when she had reached out to him. “What can I help you with, Inoue-chan?”  
She was blushing, obviously embarrassed. “Ahh, I just wanted to know if you’re okay? You seemed to be so sad lately, so if there’s anything I can do, please just say so! Even if I can’t do much, I can listen!” The soft smile did nothing to stop Kisuke from comparing her to Ichigo. She too, was so unbelievably nice to the one that had caused so much misery in her life. She was offering to listen to his problems, as if he were her friend! It caused a fash of guilt inside of him.  
Dialing up his ‘shady shop keeper’ persona, the Shinigami gave her a crooked grin. “It’s so nice of you to worry about this humble shopkeeper, but I’m fine, nothing to worry about at all, hehe.”  
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, I have not at all suspected you to have been replaced by a body snatcher, or thought that you made a robot version of yourself so that you can fly off to the moon to fight alien space battles, or anything like that! I promise!” her panicked explanations and absurd scenarios got a genuine laugh out of him. “Thank you Inoue-chan, really.” He got ready to repeat that he was just fine, and that there was no way for anyone to help, when he suddenly remembered: ‘let go of your guilt’ the fake Ichigo had said. Maybe it was time to do so, to let go. To let go of what had never been, and would never be.

  
Quickly, before he lost his will to speak, he asked: “How do you let go of someone?”  
That surprised the girl, and she needed a second to catch herself. “When my brother died, I regretted that I didn’t wish him a good day at work. So when I finally told him, when he was a hollow, that’s when I think I was ready to let him go.” She hesitated, but the continued. “When Kurosaki-kun disappeared, I was lost, but then I thought about it, and that’s not what he would want for us at all. He would want us to move on. But that doesn’t mean forgetting about him. So I want to become everything he inspired me to be and work hard! That’s what gives me closure. I’m sorry for rambling at you, I’m probably just so strange..”  
“I think I understand, Inoue-chan, thank you.”  
“I’m sorry for your loss, Urahara-san.”  
Kisuke’s face twitched. He could deny it, but… “Thank you.”

* * *

  
Despite the intervention, and his determination, it had taken Kisuke another week to gather enough courage to actually venture down the lab. He felt restless, anticipation and uncertainty warring inside of him. On the one hand, he felt like saying goodbye was the right way to go, necessary for him to go back to his usual self, to be able to support everyone. On the other, he still felt a sharp pain whenever he thought of the good time he had building and researching the other dimension and portal, the fun he had when someone was listening to him talk about the science behind things, rather than just wanting the finished product.

Shaking off the melancholic mood, he finally opened the door to the lab for the first time in months, and then stepped through. The whole room was in disarray. Nothing important seemed broken at first glance, but he would have to check if everything looking fine was actually still in good condition later. For now, he had a mission.

The portal machine had been thrown over, just like everything else in the room. The sofa he had in front of a shelf by the wall next to the window was lying I front of the chemistry table, and the microscopes and reaitsu analyzers were strewn around the floor. Slowly, he mad his way to the dimensional portal machine had somehow ended up wedged between the wall and the fallen shelf.

His heart was pounding. There it was, the fruits of months of labor, research and basically reinventing the theory of the way dimensions work and interact. Months spent with the single most amazing person. That his brain had made up, but still. He lost him. A dear friend, someone who listened to his rambling, and had been kind and strong and smart. And now he was gone. Inoue-san hadn’t been far the mark with assuming that he had lost someone. He had, even if not in a way that others could understand. And now, after weeks of sulking and basking in his own self-pity, he was ready. Ready to say goodbye.

It looked like it would need a fix up, there were some chips in the casing, and the control lamps needed checking, but the main part should be undamaged. With a sigh he got to work. There would be no point trying to get closure with a broken machine, even if it’s only cosmetic damage. Kisuke could admit to being a bit perfectionist about his experiments, he just couldn’t stand anything being out of place.

Finally Kisuke put the machine back into the middle of the lab. “I feel a little silly doing this, you know? Its not like I don’t know what’s going to happen. But also, it seems wrong not to do this. And, this was really fun. It was fun researching and building with you, and I suppose I’ll still get those books you recommended. If nothing else I’ll keep them in the lab as a tribute or something. Maybe someday someone else will want to be here, and then they won’t have to study physics for entertainment.” He was crying, but smiling, and he had no idea why. He was sad but happy thinking about the time he had spent with Ichigo. But he was ready to move on. And maybe, he would find something like that again. Only real next time. “I was sure you were real sometimes. You knew so much about the real Kurosaki and his life, and had such strong opinions. It was very convincing. I haven’t seen you around since then, and I probably won’t see you again, unless I loose my mind for good, so for now, this is goodbye.”

With that, he flicked the switch for the second time. This time he was ready for the sudden twisting of realty and change of gravity that accompanied the opening of the portal, and managed to keep his feet on the ground.

What he wasn’t ready for was the appearance of an orange streak, bursting straight out of the portal and into him, knocking him to the ground while the room was twisting around him. Kisuke’s instincts took over and his ands moved to get the thing off of him, when he felt it shaking in his arms.

Kisuke could feel his own hands trembling as he moved them towards the orange mop of hair on his chest. He felt them sink in, the hair warm and fluffy against his skin, a moisture slowly soaking his shirt. “Ichigo..?” His voice trembled, as it had done when he had first seen him. The warm body was grounding him, getting it through that this was real, and suddenly there were tears flowing from his eyes, the blonde’s arms tightening around the other, crying. He didn’t even notice when the spinning stopped and everything in the lab started falling aging, the only thing repeating in his head ‘he’s real, he’s here, he’s real, here, safe.’  
“I’m going home to see my family, and my friends, and when I return, you’d better have a trip for us set up.” Kisuke smiled, stroking Ichigo’s hair. “And why am I setting up a trip for the two of us?” Ichigo finally raised his head, and looked at him. His eyes were bloodshot from the crying, and his face had tear streaks, but there was a happiness in his expression that Kisuke swore he would protect from now on.  
“Because you were an idiot and that will be your apology. Besides, you promised to take me when you get me back, remember?”  
“I suppose I have to keep that promise. Where exactly am I taking you?”  
“We’re going to that fancy star watching place, and we’ll go to England and watch all of Shakespeare’s plays, and you will take me out to dinner in the most expensive places I can find. You owe me at least that much.”  
“Anything you want, Ichigo.” Kisuke was sincere in that. He would never doubt Ichigo again, and would give him everything. But he still couldn’t resist teasing him. “If it’s a romantic getaway you want, it’s a romantic getaway you’ll get.”  
“I do want it, so you’d better romance me properly, with all the extras.” Ichigo said it so easily, the words falling from his lips like they had no weight to them, leaving the blond stunned. “You.., wha..?”  
“Unless you don’t want to?” Ichigo asked insecurely. He sat up and looked around the destroyed lab. “As long as I get to lie on that couch for real at least once, and I’m still welcome here, I’ll be happy, no romance needed.”

“You’re always welcome, it’s your couch after all. I’ll put your name on it to make it official. Besides, what kind of an idiot would turn down a chance to spent time with you? If you’re sure that you’ll have me, I would love to romance you, with all the extras.” And he meant it. Ichigo was his friend, he was real, and he was always welcome. And if he thought they could be more, Kisuke wasn’t stupid enough to turn him down, not when he had a crush the size of Japan on him.  
His heart hurt with how happy he was, lying on the floor of his wrecked lab, Ichigo sitting next to him, looking at him, smiling gently. He had no idea how he would explain this to anyone, but right now he didn’t care about future problems. He was happy basking in the real presence of…. “So, are you my boyfriend now?”  
“Yes, Kisuke, I think you can call me your boyfriend now.” The redhead replied, the soft simple audible in his voice. “Though Zangetsu says you should fight us for the right to call me that.”  
“Zangetsu? You mean he’s back?” The relief in his voice was obvious.  
“They both are. They said the power in the other place woke them back up.”  
“Less work for me.” Kisuke laughs, a sound of pure happiness.  
Everything was perfect, and if Kisuke was already planning how to best make the perfect first kiss under the starry sky happen, well, that was just how he was.


End file.
